Friday, October 31, 2008

for some reason my house smells like dirty old rotten burnt peanut butter... so that is discouragement enough

Skipped my first class again today because I couldn't decide what to wear in time. Wtf. It's so stupid, but I feel seriously incapable of leaving the house until I feel confident in my outfit. Probably part of my need to present myself to others in a certain way. Does anyone else feel a compulsive need to look 'presentable' before leaving the house?
Since I'm otherwise fairly caught up on my work, I went to the library today and took out some books about disordered eating. Honestly, I'm still hesitant to identify with the term 'anorectic' since I do not fit all the criteria, but the disordered part I'll own up to. Had some interesting tidbits, including that if you go below 25 kcal a day your body will go into hibernation mode and actually bulk up. Good to know.
Continued with the reading material while at the supermarket and picked up this book to carry around as a reference since I can't always have Google at my fingertips. I must have looked like the oddest person, purchasing that, Shape magazine, a diet nutrition bar, protein water mix, and a shitload of Halloween candy. But dammit I am living in a house for the first time in 3 years and I will give children candy tomorrow.

small yerba mate soy latte - 100
half cup juice + water - 40
cherry coke zero - 0
nutrition bar thing - 230
TOTAL: 390

I was going to fast completely but I didn't want to totally send my body into shock after that fiasco yesterday. Felt so guilty after the nutrition bar and was slightly freaking out and wanted to purge so badly, though. Looking at the empty wrapper was like looking at failure, even though I objectively knew that I needed the protein and stuff in it. I was at a bus stop so I couldn't, luckily. Still feeling bad about it but trying not to.

Tomorrow is Halloween, which means candy and alcohol. Holy shit. Restrict like crazy during the day to make up for the alcohol I am sure will be imbibed later in the night. Maybe some hummus on veggies at work since I'm supposed to eat a meal, but that's it other than liquids.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008


omg So I had to sample pastries for my job because we might be switching bakeries.... holy shit and I didn't know that I had to do that until later in the day so I had already had this cup of really heavy soup, that was going to be all I had today. Well that's fucked.

I feel just so sluggish and nasty and full and it's only 6pm. Like I can feel my stomach bulging out and ew.
And it feels even worse after how strong I felt yesterday. This is so goddamn lame. I kind of want to cry. But this strengthens my resolve for another liquid fast tomorrow. Sadly the calories will probably only just even out to about normal intake over the course of three days.
Maybe I'll try to finish my homework at a decent hour and head to the gym.

On a better note, Hana, Yerba Mate is a kind of tea that basically has all the properties of coffee without the jittery side effects. It's a traditional drink in South America and can be prepared a few ways, but most people in the US drink it as a straight tea or with steamed milk and a bit of honey (I use sugarfree hazelnut).

also I wrote an awesome essay on Shakespeare today

OK, so I ended up doing a more liquid fast than straight juice fast. Whatever, still loads better.

1 cup juice, watered down - 80
cup ginger peach tea - 0
2 TUMS - 10
big yerba matte latte with soy - 200
TOTAL: 290

I've decided to start introducing yerba mate into my diet. Apparently it is thermogenic even more than green tea. Plus it's energizing and yummy. I was going to make a cup of straight mate (0 cals) but I had a formal talk to attend and didn't want my stomach to be protesting though some of the world's most preeminent scholars talking about their work.
Now I just have to somehow avoid all the food I will be handed at work tomorrow. Hopefully one of the soups is a broth soup; maybe I will allow myself that.
I am also actually getting shit done in my life and it feels great.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

lame as hell

omg. I had this plan where I'd eat a decent amount of my daily allotted intake at the beginning of the day so I wouldn't be tempted to eat way too much later.
I was at like 700 calories at night, and then I went to a work meeting and they had ordered pizza and it was put in front of me and it was like... as much as I despised it, I couldn't not eat it, coworkers looking and I don't know, I felt bad. So now I feel utterly disgusting and completely filled with nastiness. Oh and also there are alcohol (lol, my work) so more foundation for me pretty much waking up with a new adipose layer tomorrow.

So tomorrow I am going to try to do a juice (and maybe a bit of coffee/soda... I'm kind of addicted to caffeine, I must admit) fast. No, not try. Will do. This is just fucking ridiculous that I allow people to make me feel so guilty in public situations that I make myself feel like crap later just to please them. The food I consume affects me and my body, not others and the bodies of others, and I need to remember that. St. Jude, give me strength.
If anyone would like to join me, feel free!

I think I am going to try working off of this, on the zig-zag calorie cycle. Staying below that should be a decent guideline... and sets the limit still kind of high, even on "extreme fat loss," it seems.

Sunday, October 26, 2008

heart vs mind

OK yesterday was bad news. I ended up eating this crazy almond pastry thing at work and having a freakout when I got home and purging a lot of it. Like I literally could not leave for my date until I had done that because I was stressing so hard about it. Pathetic. And then I had like 4 shots later that night so that probably was equal to the calories anyways. So bad news all around.
However, I weighed myself this morning and I'm down to around 116 it seems. Not going to make a habit out of purging, though. My throat hurts like a bitch still.

Today was going pretty well but right now I am eating a sandwich I bought from the cafe in the library (bad choice, I know, but I'm pressed for time) because I need to work my ass off and my brain is probably not happy with the lack of nutrients. It has avocado in it, which is high in fats and super high in calories but speeds up your metabolism and helps brain function, so I'm rationalizing that to the nth degree.

half piece bread - 100
7 frosted mini wheats - 55
half cup juice - 40
sunflower seeds - 150
dbl americano w/sugar free hazelnut (x2) - 30
hummus sandwich with cheddar, avocado, lettuce - 700 (?)
cherry coke zero - 0
TOTAL: 1075

OK, back to studying. I have so much stuff due this week it's amazing. I need to somehow find time to do everything I need to do, which probably means a significant lack of sleep. I wanted to lose a few lbs in the span of a week to prepare for my parents coming in this weekend (seriously, again?) and tailgating/football game which means all kinds of bad food. But now I don't know if that's going to be possible with having to keep my brain energized. I hate being torn between what I really want and what I know is logical.

Friday, October 24, 2008

progress: slow

Had a slight nervous breakdown this morning regarding the shit from the last post, couldn't even bring myself to go to class. Tried to go to the counseling center and they turned me away. I didn't even know they were allowed to do that. Whatever. But I talked to my prof after class and I think I am back in his good graces. Now I just have to work my ass off this weekend and do really well on the in-class paper.
I really don't have that much going on... it's so stupid of me to even be stressed out. I don't know.

cherry coke zero - 0
half sandwich - 600
banana - 100
diet pepsi - 0
small handful walnuts - 150
tea- 0 (or rather, negligible)
wolfberries- 35
TOTAL: 885

Not too great but better than I have been doing. I wasn't actually hungry all day but I had to eat at work. That bakery bread will get you, man.
Wolfberries are fucking amazing, by the way. Loaded with antioxidants and all that, and fairly low in calories; anyways they're not something you'd want to eat a ton of.
Also happier because the sugar-free hazelnut finally came in! I asked the girl who does the ordering to get it, and she did... I love that my workplace functions like a coop sometimes. My americanos just got so much better.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

juris failure

So I just decided to turn off my brain this weekend; it basically turned into a 3 day binge. Disgusting. And now getting my body used to low cals is hard. Ugh.

cherry coke zero - 0
fruit cup - 200
dbl americano w/sugar free hazelnut - 15
handful sunflower seeds - 100
baked beans on french bread - 600
dbl americano w/sugar free vanilla - 15
butter croissant - 450
TOTAL: 1380.

nasty, but probably necessary so my body doesn't start storing up fat from the sudden shift.

Now that I'm back at school I get to concentrate on what a horrible candidate I am for law school. I'm woefully underinvolved; I don't know why I always do this to myself. I know what I should do and I always procrastinate until it's too late. I could have gotten my internship back this semester since I had the time and instead I just settled for working, which won't really help me get in anywhere, to be honest. Nobody cares if their attorney can pull espresso shots.
Let's not even get into my dismal LSAT score and non-competitive GPA.

I really wanted to go to the gym today but I frittered away my time and I can't run on concrete. Whatever. This is shaping up to be a week of utter failure.

Friday, October 17, 2008

omg family whyyy

Being around my family is horrid for eating purposes. The first thing both my parents commented on was how skinny I got, and then proceeded to force me to eat two big meals, and a ginormous cookie. It was quite honestly terrifying. I felt so sick after both meals; I haven't eaten that much in aaaages. I got out of eating meat but that's it. Every time I would try to say I was finished my mom wouldn't accept it as an answer. All day, whenever we got near food she'd start up again. Of course my Catholic upbringing made me feel guilty enough to eat to appease her.
And my dad is almost 300lbs so he's a reminder of my genetics towards overeating. So all that combined to no small amount of trying not to freak out during restaurant meals.

At least we took a walk in the woods so that was a good few miles of exercise.

Hana: a. Oh ok... that's a good idea, with the chain! I may steal it somehow. Oh and you can put pictures on your blog either in rich text editor by clicking the thing that looks like a landscape at the top, or in edit HTML using <img src="URLOFPIC"> If you need a place to upload a pic is good.
b. I actually work at a coffeeshop so I am able to make my own sandwiches.... it was pretty simple, as was the salad. Mostly greens, a few slices of tomato and cucumber, like 3 olives and the sandwich had cheese (my coworker was standing over my shoulder chiding me to eat more as I made it, lol). And just vinagrette as dressing, though that's probably still a lot of cals.

*big fucking avocado/swiss sandwich and fries - I don't even want to know
* two diet pepsis - 2
* dbl americano w/ sugar free vanilla - 015 (wtf someone lied to me about calorie count. god today is so lame)
* ginormous asian salad - again, don't want to know (though I actually got away with not finishing this one)
* hot tea - 0
TOTAL: fuck if I know.... like 2000+ probably

Oh my god and tomorrow I have to go to a baby shower so there will be cake and cookies and it would be weird if I started to hyperventilate in front of people in that situation, right?
Damn it all to hell, I am going to drive tomorrow to 'get coffee' and stop at Target at get those ankle weight things. I doubt my family will notice but if they do I can say the doctor told me to wear them for my knee issues.

This entry is overly long but I'm really stressing right now... so a few pics! I never thought myself to be a visual learner but pictures really do help me envision some sort of goal.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

a little better today

Today went a little better, as I was running around all day and it was easier to distract myself.

* mini NAKED juice - 160
* dbl Americano w/sugar-free caramel - 0
* 1 slice grain bread w/hummus - ~200
* cherry coke zero - 0
* portion cup raisins & goji berries - 150
* 1/2 sandwich, 1/2 salad - 500?
* diet pepsi - 0
TOTAL: 1010

I love those little plastic condiment cups you can buy at the grocery store for like 50cents so much. Great for portioning out small amounts of a snack and not running the risk of eating too much.

Also I have to somehow figure out how much I actually weigh. I still feel gross so I'm inclined to believe my home scale, but I weighed myself on another scale today and it said over 5lbs less. Honestly I'd rather not go under 110 just because I still want to be able to give blood despite being thin.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

it seems like I can't do anything right lately

Ate way too many big meals today and I feel gross. I wanted to have lost a few pounds by Friday because I am going home this weekend and I know my parents will force me to eat tons. I always gain like 3lbs in a weekend going home. It's nasty. But yeah, those pounds are not going to be off in time.
Though one of my coworkers today asked me how I lose weight without even trying, so that made me feel a little bit better. At least like no one's really noticed that I'm actively avoiding certain foods.

* "brunch salad" (lettuce, apple, walnuts, feta, vinagrette) - ~300
* cup pasta e fagioli soup - ~500
* handful candy corn - 100
* plain yogurt w/ raisin muesli and honey - 300
* banana nut muffin (I need to stop studying at the cafe I work at because they always try to feed me) - 300
lame. I guess I'll be sticking to liquids for a while. That's ok, I accidentally fell asleep after work and I still have 2 projects to complete by tomorrow, so that means a lot of coffee. Way to fuck it up again, self.

Pictures to give me some impetus to stick with it!

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

starting out....

I've decided that I need to keep a blog in order to keep the weight off. I'm at a decent weight now, I guess, but I'm still not happy with it. I've lost 10lbs or so since the beginning of the year, but I'm still flabby and gross. 5-10 more pounds down should do it. It's just been so hard to lose them.
Hence the blog. This will be for a record that I can't lose; I've been writing down what I eat and the calorie count, but not as often as I should and it's in a tiny notebook so I can't see how I do on a long-term basis. Hopefully this will help in that respect.

* mini NAKED juice (160)
* dbl americano w/ sugar free vanilla (0)
* avocado burger (500?)1
* candy corn (100)
* handful raisins/cereal (~100)
* salad - mixed greens, carrots, mushrooms, calorie-free ranch (~150)
* diet pepsi (0)
* lots o' water (0)
TOTAL: 1010

See, this is why I need to keep track better. I though I had been below this but I forgot entirely about the candy corn. The holidays can suck it.

1 I had this at a local veg*n place, and can't find a calorie count for anything similar online, only recipies! I think 500 is my default number, lol.

EDIT: I just caved like a San Francisco freeway and ate this ginormous pastry thing that is probably like 800billion calories.
Fucking failure.