holidays schmolidays

I apologize for my long absence! End-of-semester schoolwork and exams took over my life. Luckily that meant I had very little time to eat. (: Down to around 114 again, I think I'm going to set a goal at 105 for Valentine's Day since it seems to be slow going. Plus I am back at home for the holidays and that is a struggle and a half. So much junk in the house that I end up binging on because I haven't even seen such goodies in so long.

I think tonight I am going to straighten up my room (a good mess - clutters of presents!) and camp out and make me an inspirational notebook of some kind. Feels juvenile but I think it will be a nice break from overinvolved schoolwork. Has anyone else done something like that? Any recommendations?


Hope all you lovelies are doing well in the face of the solstice! Use the post-holiday sales as an excuse to get some exercise walking around the mall, is my suggestion. Haha.

disbelief!

Uh, so, I gained like 5lbs in the less than a week I was at my parents'. What in the name of all that is holy is that? It wasn't even just Thanksgiving. Since I haven't been home in ages they decided to order out pretty much every other night, as a 'treat'. What? Aren't we supposed to be cowering the face of the failing economy and saving money? My dad actually yelled at me for not having both pasta AND pizza on Sunday night.
My stomach feels enormous and I see my face getting its Polish fat back. Yikes. Though that last bit may or may not partially be due the very unflattering haircut I also received while at home. Hope everyone else had a better time!

Slowly, slowly, I am getting back on track. Fell a little this morning by having a butter croissant (how are there 400 calories packed into that? really?) but I discovered that a can of reduced sodium cut green beans only has about 80 calories, so that was dinner after I spiced it up a bit. I may allow myself a soy yerba mate latte in a bit to cap out at around 600 calories. Not too shabby compared with last week; I'm trying not to beat myself up too much and steadily wean myself off being a fat eater.


Side note: Is it wrong that I feel a little heart-leap of joy every time I see a "closing" sign on a Starbucks? Vivent les independent coffeehouses!

lasciate ogni speranza voi ch'entrate

Well, as soon as I stepped into my parents' house there was a bagel and cream cheese on my plate. Avoided lunch by napping, and then had to have deep-dish pizza (damn you, Chicago) because that's what was ordered for dinner. And dessert because my mom was just looking at me in that way.
Being home is like a constant war between my two greatest impulses, that of pleasing others and that of avoiding food. Guilt motivates both, but, odd as it is, pleasing others will always win out even if it makes me hate myself for days afterwards. I probably had over 2000 calories today; I feel like hell and I want to cry, but I didn't disappoint anyone. Self-loathing and punishment delayed are acceptable consequences to accommodating others.
God knows I may feel differently next time I step on our scale, but right now I'm trying to rationalize by saying if I can get through these next few days I can fast/restrict like mad next week. Besides, now that my parents have seen me eat (oh lord, how they saw me eat) maybe they'll get off my back and I can actually do better the next few days. Eating at home, I guess, is a game of chess; today I sacrificed my pawn so tomorrow I can move my king out of check.

forget-me-now

Trying to pack to go home for Thanksgiving, and failing. I am so indecisive and needed to pick out what I'm going to wear for nearly a week is hell. Not looking forward to my family's incessant nitpicking at my eating habits, either. I think I've mentioned that before.
Besides the loathe of that which is to come, today went fairly decently. Stayed around 250 calories, and didn't purge. Sad that that is an accomplishment, but right now I'll take what I can get, honestly.
What are (for the Americans) everyone's Thanksgiving plans? Right now I'm planning on surprising everyone and becoming the life of the family get-together, helping cook and serve and all of that. It will be helping out my father, and keep me occupied. And then "sampling a bit of everything" at the meal and "saving room for dessert". It's so odd to have to plan this out; so much easier to live away from home.

OK, time to go pack up books so I don't forget anything and ruin my chance for catching up on schoolwork whilst at home.
Oh, and I actually put up a user picture. Of me with a plate of food and a beer at a party, because goddamn if I don't love the ironic.

grey

Melancholy must not become me. People keep asking me what's wrong, and look expectant. "Nothing," I say, straighfaced, "school's just a bit, you know." And they nod, like they do. Because, of course, they can't know what it is. That's it's like everything's gone a bit blurry. I can't get to sleep, and then when I do I just want to stay in bed forever because getting ready to go out of the house is an exhausting ritual. I feel ridiculous, perched next to the toilet vomiting or shoving spat-out food into the trash or evaluating the value of each bite in my head. And even with these things I've still had about 500 calories today. Everything seems an exercise in futility.
But since melancholy must not become me, I smile when people look.

I figure Thanksgiving will be a kind of hell, so that 500 calories is overwhelming. But if I stay below 200 the next three days, maybe it will be OK. Most likely not, but I'll pretend for my own sake. The lack of progress just gets aggravating, though, since I know that my goal is extremely obtainable, and it's my own failure getting in the way.


Lately I've turned to my comfort poetry, C.P. Cavafy. There is something of a pervasive yearning in his poetry that is just so entirely sad and beautiful. I found my copy during a charity booksale, so it's a 40-something year old, stained and yellowing paperback that I now cherish. This is one of my favorites, something of the sadness of time and the ignorance of youth:

    An Old Man

In the inner room of the noisy café
an old man sits bent over a table;
a newspaper before him, no companion beside him.

And in the scorn of his miserable old age,
he meditates how little he enjoyed the years
when he had strength, the art of the word, and good looks.

He knows he has aged much; he is aware of it, he sees it,
And yet the time when he was young seems like
yesterday. How short a time, how short a time.

And he ponders how Wisdom had deceived him;
and how he always trusted her — what folly! —
the liar who would say, "Tomorrow. You have ample time."

He recalls impulses he curbed; and how much
joy he sacrificed. Every lost chance
now mocks his senseless prudence.

...But with so much thinking and remembering
the old man reels. And he dozes off
bent over the table of the café.

what an oink oink pig

Haha oh my god my roommate just bitched at me for walking up and down the hall ONCE with my heels on. Are you fucking kidding me? She blasts her music all the time while she knows I'm sleeping. Seriously she is the most uptight stoner I've ever met in my life.


Anyways, I'm a little drunk but I feel like a fucking pig. I've been eating too much for all the alcohol I've been drinking on top of the food, like, holy shit calories in alcohol. And purging when I get a chance which I know is a stupid goddamn thing to do but it's comforting. I really want to right now but if a few footsteps woke up the roomie...

So starting tomorrow I'm going to have to begin to severely restrict, working my way down to low calories to not shock my body. Only one meal a day is my plan, if I'm working, and then just a salad because that bakery bread is a deathtrap. I'm supposed to go to the farmer's market tomorrow with this girl I'm kind of seeing so I'll have to buy fruit and stuff there, so that can be a meal too I guess? I'll map this out in the morning when I'm less disgustingly tipsy. Maybe a rice cake, an apple, and an americano or two for caffeine. Something like that. None of this disgusting shit I've been doing for the past week. For god's sake I drank beer tonight. If it hadn't made me so tipsy I'd probably be having a bigger panic attack.

Speaking of tipsy and parties and all that, I feel so awkward when people check me out, is that weird? I wore a dress today which is a new thing I'm trying out even though I hate my legs, and my friend was like "hey, this dude in the corner is totally checking you out right now." That makes me feel so weird. People always think I'm just fishing for compliments, but I seriously hate my body so much and think my legs are absolutely disgusting so I kind of hate when people pay attention to them. Whatever.

Oh and thank god I am a fast thinker/talker. My friend came into my room today as we were getting ready to go out and I had forgotten that I had my books about disordered eating on my desk. She started looking at them and in a moment's time I thought to tell her that I was thinking about doing my senior thesis on body image and eating disorders in modern literature from a feminist perspective. Thank the lord the feminism book was on top of the pile.

all kinds of ridiculous

For real, I need to get ahold of myself. The other night I got so drunk I don't remember bits of the night. That has never happened to me before. I guess I told one of my good friends to fuck off when he tried to help me. Man I am one classy broad, right?
Last night I stayed decent amid the chaos of this other party (seriously, it was Factory-esque). Went into caretaker mode when aforementioned friend took his turn at getting sloppy. It's almost sick how comfortable I am in that role, probably in no small part due to my tendency towards co-narcissism. Comforting other people is one of the most comforting things for me. How fucked up is that?

Ended up purging today. Disgusting. It seems to be directly correlated to how much I feel overwhelmed by schoolwork. Still feel like I consumed far too much though, and the scale reflects that, since it's not budging; my body, however, feels so much bigger, especially my stomach, which is pretty much bulging. Apologies for the image of nastiness there.

Basically, this weekend was a disaster and I need to crack down on myself. No more than 1000 cals this week ever, and preferably much lower than that. Also need to schedule me some gym time amid all the work I need to do. I'm such a slacker on that.

for some reason my house smells like dirty old rotten burnt peanut butter... so that is discouragement enough

Skipped my first class again today because I couldn't decide what to wear in time. Wtf. It's so stupid, but I feel seriously incapable of leaving the house until I feel confident in my outfit. Probably part of my need to present myself to others in a certain way. Does anyone else feel a compulsive need to look 'presentable' before leaving the house?
Since I'm otherwise fairly caught up on my work, I went to the library today and took out some books about disordered eating. Honestly, I'm still hesitant to identify with the term 'anorectic' since I do not fit all the criteria, but the disordered part I'll own up to. Had some interesting tidbits, including that if you go below 25 kcal a day your body will go into hibernation mode and actually bulk up. Good to know.
Continued with the reading material while at the supermarket and picked up this book to carry around as a reference since I can't always have Google at my fingertips. I must have looked like the oddest person, purchasing that, Shape magazine, a diet nutrition bar, protein water mix, and a shitload of Halloween candy. But dammit I am living in a house for the first time in 3 years and I will give children candy tomorrow.


CONSUMED
small yerba mate soy latte - 100
half cup juice + water - 40
cherry coke zero - 0
nutrition bar thing - 230
TOTAL: 390

I was going to fast completely but I didn't want to totally send my body into shock after that fiasco yesterday. Felt so guilty after the nutrition bar and was slightly freaking out and wanted to purge so badly, though. Looking at the empty wrapper was like looking at failure, even though I objectively knew that I needed the protein and stuff in it. I was at a bus stop so I couldn't, luckily. Still feeling bad about it but trying not to.

Tomorrow is Halloween, which means candy and alcohol. Holy shit. Restrict like crazy during the day to make up for the alcohol I am sure will be imbibed later in the night. Maybe some hummus on veggies at work since I'm supposed to eat a meal, but that's it other than liquids.

why

omg So I had to sample pastries for my job because we might be switching bakeries.... holy shit and I didn't know that I had to do that until later in the day so I had already had this cup of really heavy soup, that was going to be all I had today. Well that's fucked.

I feel just so sluggish and nasty and full and it's only 6pm. Like I can feel my stomach bulging out and ew.
And it feels even worse after how strong I felt yesterday. This is so goddamn lame. I kind of want to cry. But this strengthens my resolve for another liquid fast tomorrow. Sadly the calories will probably only just even out to about normal intake over the course of three days.
Maybe I'll try to finish my homework at a decent hour and head to the gym.


On a better note, Hana, Yerba Mate is a kind of tea that basically has all the properties of coffee without the jittery side effects. It's a traditional drink in South America and can be prepared a few ways, but most people in the US drink it as a straight tea or with steamed milk and a bit of honey (I use sugarfree hazelnut).

also I wrote an awesome essay on Shakespeare today

OK, so I ended up doing a more liquid fast than straight juice fast. Whatever, still loads better.

CONSUMED
1 cup juice, watered down - 80
cup ginger peach tea - 0
2 TUMS - 10
big yerba matte latte with soy - 200
TOTAL: 290

I've decided to start introducing yerba mate into my diet. Apparently it is thermogenic even more than green tea. Plus it's energizing and yummy. I was going to make a cup of straight mate (0 cals) but I had a formal talk to attend and didn't want my stomach to be protesting though some of the world's most preeminent scholars talking about their work.
Now I just have to somehow avoid all the food I will be handed at work tomorrow. Hopefully one of the soups is a broth soup; maybe I will allow myself that.
I am also actually getting shit done in my life and it feels great.

lame as hell

omg. I had this plan where I'd eat a decent amount of my daily allotted intake at the beginning of the day so I wouldn't be tempted to eat way too much later.
I was at like 700 calories at night, and then I went to a work meeting and they had ordered pizza and it was put in front of me and it was like... as much as I despised it, I couldn't not eat it, coworkers looking and I don't know, I felt bad. So now I feel utterly disgusting and completely filled with nastiness. Oh and also there are alcohol (lol, my work) so more foundation for me pretty much waking up with a new adipose layer tomorrow.

So tomorrow I am going to try to do a juice (and maybe a bit of coffee/soda... I'm kind of addicted to caffeine, I must admit) fast. No, not try. Will do. This is just fucking ridiculous that I allow people to make me feel so guilty in public situations that I make myself feel like crap later just to please them. The food I consume affects me and my body, not others and the bodies of others, and I need to remember that. St. Jude, give me strength.
If anyone would like to join me, feel free!

I think I am going to try working off of this, on the zig-zag calorie cycle. Staying below that should be a decent guideline... and sets the limit still kind of high, even on "extreme fat loss," it seems.

heart vs mind

OK yesterday was bad news. I ended up eating this crazy almond pastry thing at work and having a freakout when I got home and purging a lot of it. Like I literally could not leave for my date until I had done that because I was stressing so hard about it. Pathetic. And then I had like 4 shots later that night so that probably was equal to the calories anyways. So bad news all around.
However, I weighed myself this morning and I'm down to around 116 it seems. Not going to make a habit out of purging, though. My throat hurts like a bitch still.

Today was going pretty well but right now I am eating a sandwich I bought from the cafe in the library (bad choice, I know, but I'm pressed for time) because I need to work my ass off and my brain is probably not happy with the lack of nutrients. It has avocado in it, which is high in fats and super high in calories but speeds up your metabolism and helps brain function, so I'm rationalizing that to the nth degree.

CONSUMED
half piece bread - 100
7 frosted mini wheats - 55
half cup juice - 40
sunflower seeds - 150
dbl americano w/sugar free hazelnut (x2) - 30
hummus sandwich with cheddar, avocado, lettuce - 700 (?)
cherry coke zero - 0
TOTAL: 1075

OK, back to studying. I have so much stuff due this week it's amazing. I need to somehow find time to do everything I need to do, which probably means a significant lack of sleep. I wanted to lose a few lbs in the span of a week to prepare for my parents coming in this weekend (seriously, again?) and tailgating/football game which means all kinds of bad food. But now I don't know if that's going to be possible with having to keep my brain energized. I hate being torn between what I really want and what I know is logical.

progress: slow

Had a slight nervous breakdown this morning regarding the shit from the last post, couldn't even bring myself to go to class. Tried to go to the counseling center and they turned me away. I didn't even know they were allowed to do that. Whatever. But I talked to my prof after class and I think I am back in his good graces. Now I just have to work my ass off this weekend and do really well on the in-class paper.
I really don't have that much going on... it's so stupid of me to even be stressed out. I don't know.

Consumed
cherry coke zero - 0
half sandwich - 600
banana - 100
diet pepsi - 0
small handful walnuts - 150
tea- 0 (or rather, negligible)
wolfberries- 35
TOTAL: 885

Not too great but better than I have been doing. I wasn't actually hungry all day but I had to eat at work. That bakery bread will get you, man.
Wolfberries are fucking amazing, by the way. Loaded with antioxidants and all that, and fairly low in calories; anyways they're not something you'd want to eat a ton of.
Also happier because the sugar-free hazelnut finally came in! I asked the girl who does the ordering to get it, and she did... I love that my workplace functions like a coop sometimes. My americanos just got so much better.

juris failure

So I just decided to turn off my brain this weekend; it basically turned into a 3 day binge. Disgusting. And now getting my body used to low cals is hard. Ugh.


CONSUMED
cherry coke zero - 0
fruit cup - 200
dbl americano w/sugar free hazelnut - 15
handful sunflower seeds - 100
baked beans on french bread - 600
dbl americano w/sugar free vanilla - 15
butter croissant - 450
TOTAL: 1380.

nasty, but probably necessary so my body doesn't start storing up fat from the sudden shift.

Now that I'm back at school I get to concentrate on what a horrible candidate I am for law school. I'm woefully underinvolved; I don't know why I always do this to myself. I know what I should do and I always procrastinate until it's too late. I could have gotten my internship back this semester since I had the time and instead I just settled for working, which won't really help me get in anywhere, to be honest. Nobody cares if their attorney can pull espresso shots.
Let's not even get into my dismal LSAT score and non-competitive GPA.

I really wanted to go to the gym today but I frittered away my time and I can't run on concrete. Whatever. This is shaping up to be a week of utter failure.

omg family whyyy

Being around my family is horrid for eating purposes. The first thing both my parents commented on was how skinny I got, and then proceeded to force me to eat two big meals, and a ginormous cookie. It was quite honestly terrifying. I felt so sick after both meals; I haven't eaten that much in aaaages. I got out of eating meat but that's it. Every time I would try to say I was finished my mom wouldn't accept it as an answer. All day, whenever we got near food she'd start up again. Of course my Catholic upbringing made me feel guilty enough to eat to appease her.
And my dad is almost 300lbs so he's a reminder of my genetics towards overeating. So all that combined to no small amount of trying not to freak out during restaurant meals.

At least we took a walk in the woods so that was a good few miles of exercise.


Hana: a. Oh ok... that's a good idea, with the chain! I may steal it somehow. Oh and you can put pictures on your blog either in rich text editor by clicking the thing that looks like a landscape at the top, or in edit HTML using <img src="URLOFPIC"> If you need a place to upload a pic tinypic.com is good.
b. I actually work at a coffeeshop so I am able to make my own sandwiches.... it was pretty simple, as was the salad. Mostly greens, a few slices of tomato and cucumber, like 3 olives and the sandwich had cheese (my coworker was standing over my shoulder chiding me to eat more as I made it, lol). And just vinagrette as dressing, though that's probably still a lot of cals.

CONSUMED
*big fucking avocado/swiss sandwich and fries - I don't even want to know
* two diet pepsis - 2
* dbl americano w/ sugar free vanilla - 015 (wtf someone lied to me about calorie count. god today is so lame)
* ginormous asian salad - again, don't want to know (though I actually got away with not finishing this one)
* hot tea - 0
TOTAL: fuck if I know.... like 2000+ probably


Oh my god and tomorrow I have to go to a baby shower so there will be cake and cookies and it would be weird if I started to hyperventilate in front of people in that situation, right?
Damn it all to hell, I am going to drive tomorrow to 'get coffee' and stop at Target at get those ankle weight things. I doubt my family will notice but if they do I can say the doctor told me to wear them for my knee issues.


This entry is overly long but I'm really stressing right now... so a few pics! I never thought myself to be a visual learner but pictures really do help me envision some sort of goal.

a little better today

Today went a little better, as I was running around all day and it was easier to distract myself.

CONSUMED
* mini NAKED juice - 160
* dbl Americano w/sugar-free caramel - 0
* 1 slice grain bread w/hummus - ~200
* cherry coke zero - 0
* portion cup raisins & goji berries - 150
* 1/2 sandwich, 1/2 salad - 500?
* diet pepsi - 0
TOTAL: 1010

I love those little plastic condiment cups you can buy at the grocery store for like 50cents so much. Great for portioning out small amounts of a snack and not running the risk of eating too much.

Also I have to somehow figure out how much I actually weigh. I still feel gross so I'm inclined to believe my home scale, but I weighed myself on another scale today and it said over 5lbs less. Honestly I'd rather not go under 110 just because I still want to be able to give blood despite being thin.

it seems like I can't do anything right lately

Ate way too many big meals today and I feel gross. I wanted to have lost a few pounds by Friday because I am going home this weekend and I know my parents will force me to eat tons. I always gain like 3lbs in a weekend going home. It's nasty. But yeah, those pounds are not going to be off in time.
Though one of my coworkers today asked me how I lose weight without even trying, so that made me feel a little bit better. At least like no one's really noticed that I'm actively avoiding certain foods.


CONSUMED

* "brunch salad" (lettuce, apple, walnuts, feta, vinagrette) - ~300
* cup pasta e fagioli soup - ~500
* handful candy corn - 100
* plain yogurt w/ raisin muesli and honey - 300
* banana nut muffin (I need to stop studying at the cafe I work at because they always try to feed me) - 300
TENTATIVE TOTAL: 1500.

lame. I guess I'll be sticking to liquids for a while. That's ok, I accidentally fell asleep after work and I still have 2 projects to complete by tomorrow, so that means a lot of coffee. Way to fuck it up again, self.

Pictures to give me some impetus to stick with it!

starting out....

I've decided that I need to keep a blog in order to keep the weight off. I'm at a decent weight now, I guess, but I'm still not happy with it. I've lost 10lbs or so since the beginning of the year, but I'm still flabby and gross. 5-10 more pounds down should do it. It's just been so hard to lose them.
Hence the blog. This will be for a record that I can't lose; I've been writing down what I eat and the calorie count, but not as often as I should and it's in a tiny notebook so I can't see how I do on a long-term basis. Hopefully this will help in that respect.


TODAY

* mini NAKED juice (160)
* dbl americano w/ sugar free vanilla (0)
* avocado burger (500?)¹
* candy corn (100)
* handful raisins/cereal (~100)
* salad - mixed greens, carrots, mushrooms, calorie-free ranch (~150)
* diet pepsi (0)
* lots o' water (0)
TOTAL: 1010

See, this is why I need to keep track better. I though I had been below this but I forgot entirely about the candy corn. The holidays can suck it.

¹ I had this at a local veg*n place, and can't find a calorie count for anything similar online, only recipies! I think 500 is my default number, lol.


EDIT: I just caved like a San Francisco freeway and ate this ginormous pastry thing that is probably like 800billion calories.
Fucking failure.