Wednesday, November 26, 2008

lasciate ogni speranza voi ch'entrate

Well, as soon as I stepped into my parents' house there was a bagel and cream cheese on my plate. Avoided lunch by napping, and then had to have deep-dish pizza (damn you, Chicago) because that's what was ordered for dinner. And dessert because my mom was just looking at me in that way.
Being home is like a constant war between my two greatest impulses, that of pleasing others and that of avoiding food. Guilt motivates both, but, odd as it is, pleasing others will always win out even if it makes me hate myself for days afterwards. I probably had over 2000 calories today; I feel like hell and I want to cry, but I didn't disappoint anyone. Self-loathing and punishment delayed are acceptable consequences to accommodating others.
God knows I may feel differently next time I step on our scale, but right now I'm trying to rationalize by saying if I can get through these next few days I can fast/restrict like mad next week. Besides, now that my parents have seen me eat (oh lord, how they saw me eat) maybe they'll get off my back and I can actually do better the next few days. Eating at home, I guess, is a game of chess; today I sacrificed my pawn so tomorrow I can move my king out of check.

3 comments:

hey.hana said...

that's how i feel about chinese last night.

Stay strong! Slash fake heartburn everytime. Eventually, when you don't eat so much junk people won't be surprised. "She has a bad digestion," they'll say. "Has since she was a baby," your mother may throw in to make it sound as though she knows something about you.

Or is that me?

w/e. You're fine! Just think of all the poor girls who are forced to gorge on this day.

xo Hana

Wraith said...

I know the feeling. It's hard when I have to spend time with my family because I swear, they know nothing about raising children. They literally try to feed me every hour and a half, and if you turn down food....well, let's just say there is no turning down food if you want to be loved.

S <3 said...

Yehhh, I hate it how family does that do you.
But what can you do?
You're doing great, stay strong. (:

Btw, nice blog. (: