pressure

I've begun the process of recovery. Not sure why I'm posting that here; I guess I just read through old posts, trying to remember just how bad I let it get, to remind myself why I'm doing this in the first place.

So far I've met with a therapist, a nutritionist, and a doctor. It's absolutely terrifying, and is just so time consuming. But I need to do this. I can't afford to not do this. I'm in grad school, this is the real deal. If I flunk out, I'll have wasted thousands of dollars and my best chance to get a job in the field I want. And I can't do that if I'm too spaced out to focus on schoolwork or too tired to get up for my job on time. That's what's started to happen, again, and I can't let it continue.

It's so incredibly hard. Therapy is like pulling teeth; I hate talking about my feelings to people, and it's doubly difficult when it makes me feel so fucked up. I've had an assignment from my nutritionist for 3 days and am already failing. Yesterday I binged/purged and felt so guilty after that I couldn't bring myself to eat the second serving of fruit I was assigned, and today I had to force myself to eat to top out at 750 calories, which I'm not even supposed to be counting. Today I had my physical checkup, and while my EKG was normal (whoo!), my blood pressure was so low the nurse literally had to squeeze the blood out of my arm to get samples.

It's terrifying to even go through these steps. I never thought of myself as someone who'd be weighed blindly or get an EKG. "I'm not that sick!" I want to scream, and the crazybrain voice echoes back, "Exactly, you're not sick enough for this treatment. Lose more and then we'll talk." To which sanebrain voice quietly, meekly replies, "You can't succeed if you keep this up. It'll pull you, like it always does, into the denial of life, and reason, and love."

Perhaps the most terrifying is that I don't know if I can do this. I'm sick of screwing myself over, settling for the small victory of an empty stomach over the larger accomplishments of professional and personal growth. I don't want this to be a half-assed attempt at recovery, but I don't know if I'm willing or able to go full-tilt.

So I think I'm back.

I was trying to recover. I really was. After hitting a low point last spring, hardly attending any of my classes, and failing my honors thesis, I worked hard at getting better over the summer.

Then I moved home in August, back to alcoholism and emotional abuse, no job, and no friends. This began a cycle of binging, and purging, not always related to one another. So I gained almost 10lbs, and have gone to what I consider to be the more visceral side of the ED spectrum. Though I think technically I still don't qualify for having an eating disorder under the medical standards, so at least I have that false hope to cling to. Right?

So I just can't anymore. I will probably see you back here soon, whomever is left. I shouldn't, and I don't necessarily want to, but I have to. It's in every sloshing, slurping bite my father takes, the dripping, disgusting noises he makes when spitting half-chewed forbidden items into the garbage*. It's in every time I don't get to decide what or how much I eat, and the shit I get for not having a proper job or career path yet. It's in every decision I make that gets overridden by my overbearing mother or drunken father. It's in my widening thighs and growing stomach and that fat roll on my arm. I can see it. I have to. It's all I have left, really.

It's a focus in my entirely unfocused life.



*My father has a medical problem, and he can't have certain foods, especially fibrous ones. So instead he chews and spits.

work it out

Man, I'm sorry I've dropped off the face of the earth when it comes to blogging. I've just been so busy busy busy. Classes, work, thesis to work on, and I've started working out a ton. Today was my first day off work since last Tuesday and so I spent around 2 hours working out. It may not seem like a lot but I've gone from being a complete louse to religiously going to the gym in a matter of a few weeks. I'm quite proud of myself, now I just need to keep it up.

Today I started a modified version of 2468, by which I mean I know I'd probably keel over unconscious if I went to the gym on only 200cals, so I'm going off net calories rather than gross. Is that strange? Like today so far I've eaten around 550 calories (rounding up) and burned about 450 calories at the gym (rounding down). So I might eat an 80-cal yogurt later after I take a shower.

Unfortunately I just got home to a Valentine's Day package from my mom, which consists of chocolate, chocolate, and more chocolate. Lovely. Maybe I'll just give them away at my job though I would feel somewhat guilty. Ugh. I hate that I can't even enjoy chocolate; it seems so ridiculous.

OMG NEW MUSE HELLO

Damnnnnnnn can I just be her? Plus I'm in love with her INSPIRE Magazine spread, omg.


Been decently restricting the past few days. Had a moment of weakness with pizza today, but I did spend like 45 minutes shoveling the walk and the alley so I'm going to rationalize that as making up for it.
I'm actually still around the same weight as when I came home, so since I was expecting the worst, all in all it's been OK.
Next week back on my own so I can stop this ridiculousness. And maybe start actually using my gym membership.... new years resolution maybe even though I think those are stupid? Any low-impact suggestions for a girl with knee problems?

holidays schmolidays

I apologize for my long absence! End-of-semester schoolwork and exams took over my life. Luckily that meant I had very little time to eat. (: Down to around 114 again, I think I'm going to set a goal at 105 for Valentine's Day since it seems to be slow going. Plus I am back at home for the holidays and that is a struggle and a half. So much junk in the house that I end up binging on because I haven't even seen such goodies in so long.

I think tonight I am going to straighten up my room (a good mess - clutters of presents!) and camp out and make me an inspirational notebook of some kind. Feels juvenile but I think it will be a nice break from overinvolved schoolwork. Has anyone else done something like that? Any recommendations?


Hope all you lovelies are doing well in the face of the solstice! Use the post-holiday sales as an excuse to get some exercise walking around the mall, is my suggestion. Haha.

disbelief!

Uh, so, I gained like 5lbs in the less than a week I was at my parents'. What in the name of all that is holy is that? It wasn't even just Thanksgiving. Since I haven't been home in ages they decided to order out pretty much every other night, as a 'treat'. What? Aren't we supposed to be cowering the face of the failing economy and saving money? My dad actually yelled at me for not having both pasta AND pizza on Sunday night.
My stomach feels enormous and I see my face getting its Polish fat back. Yikes. Though that last bit may or may not partially be due the very unflattering haircut I also received while at home. Hope everyone else had a better time!

Slowly, slowly, I am getting back on track. Fell a little this morning by having a butter croissant (how are there 400 calories packed into that? really?) but I discovered that a can of reduced sodium cut green beans only has about 80 calories, so that was dinner after I spiced it up a bit. I may allow myself a soy yerba mate latte in a bit to cap out at around 600 calories. Not too shabby compared with last week; I'm trying not to beat myself up too much and steadily wean myself off being a fat eater.


Side note: Is it wrong that I feel a little heart-leap of joy every time I see a "closing" sign on a Starbucks? Vivent les independent coffeehouses!

lasciate ogni speranza voi ch'entrate

Well, as soon as I stepped into my parents' house there was a bagel and cream cheese on my plate. Avoided lunch by napping, and then had to have deep-dish pizza (damn you, Chicago) because that's what was ordered for dinner. And dessert because my mom was just looking at me in that way.
Being home is like a constant war between my two greatest impulses, that of pleasing others and that of avoiding food. Guilt motivates both, but, odd as it is, pleasing others will always win out even if it makes me hate myself for days afterwards. I probably had over 2000 calories today; I feel like hell and I want to cry, but I didn't disappoint anyone. Self-loathing and punishment delayed are acceptable consequences to accommodating others.
God knows I may feel differently next time I step on our scale, but right now I'm trying to rationalize by saying if I can get through these next few days I can fast/restrict like mad next week. Besides, now that my parents have seen me eat (oh lord, how they saw me eat) maybe they'll get off my back and I can actually do better the next few days. Eating at home, I guess, is a game of chess; today I sacrificed my pawn so tomorrow I can move my king out of check.